Just Words
6:30 AM: I was woke up from a sound sleep by my phone vibrating. It was my husband. The early riser that he is, he had left for work over an hour earlier. It was Saturday. I was groggy and trying to shake sleepiness, still, I could tell by his voice he was upset. I heard the words,"hollow tree", "splintered", "died". I sat on the edge of the bed, in shock. Only 46 years old. It was too much to understand. There was a pause in my world while I let this sink in. My husband had just lost one of the dearest people in his life. I wept.
My husband came home soon after and that afternoon we took a drive. We shared moments of silence and moments of laughter remembering this amazing man and friend I always called "The Lumberjack". This loss was going to leave a mark, a hole forever in our hearts. I tried to picture his last minutes on the earth, imagine the scene and see them in my head just how I had been told the events took place. I tried to imagine what he may of been thinking the moment that large portion of tree struck him in the head, with a blow so great, the life was knocked from him. I tried to imagine being his wife, sending him off to work just like any other day, not knowing he wasn't coming home. Did they say "I love you" before he left? Did they argue? Did they talk at lunch?
It was about that time I took my husbands hand and told him all I was battling in my mind. As people living day to day we never expect or plan for things like this. There are many times ( I hate to admit) my husband has drove away and my parting words were not "I love you! Have an amazing day!" The truth of that sad admission drove me to ask him, with tears running down my face, "What if that was you? And what if the last thing you heard from me were words from an argument? What would your last thoughts be? Would it be our fight? Would you know you were loved? How could I ever forgive myself if that happened?"
My husbands reply as he kissed my hand was " They are just words".
That was the most amazingly sweet thing I think my husband has ever said to me. It was his way of saying that no matter what, no matter what this world does to bring out the ugly in me and causes me to toss words at him that are more harsh than I had meant, no matter the storms or weather, good and bad, sunshine and rainbows, no matter what, that man knows I love him. And no amount of silly words would ever change what his heart knows to be true.
This shocking event had done something to me beyond just having to deal with the incredibly great loss of a friend. I was suddenly aware of my own mortality and that of those around me. I was battling fear of letting those I love out of my sight. I was wanting to call every one I ever loved and tell them, just that...that I loved them! I couldn't let anything be left unsaid or undone because I am never guaranteed that they coming home. I was panicked and scared and almost hysterical.
But in that car, on a sunny afternoon, while holding my husbands hand, I found peace. With four little words my husband had given me a gift that I will never forget. I was reminded of truth. I knew that Lumberjack knew how much he meant to us. I knew that my husband and my boys would know that it is their three lives that make my heart whole. I knew that the people that I love so dearly would know just how much they mean to me. Feathers get ruffled, and folks don't always agree, but in the end, it doesn't matter.
Just like when you can remember an argument, but cannot remember what it was about, I believe that happens in the end. The things that matter most come into view. We will recall the important things but the superficial moments of being human will fall away. People can say a whole lot of stuff, but it is always their actions that speak the loudest.
My prayer in all of this is that I would be better at actions, and that my words would be guarded well. I want to be one that doesn't just spew words because I am at my limit, then, walk away with those harsh words still floating in the air, both parties feeling wounded and stung by the argument. But, truth be known, I will be that person. I know I will get mad, I will say things, I will be sorry. But, with Gods help I will also be the person who's actions show I didn't mean one of those words.
I believe our hearts know who people truly are to us if we stop getting hung up on words. I have those who want nothing more than to cause me pain, and yet say they love me with pretty flowery words that really don't add up to two cents. I also have those who love me, protect me, carry me, see me through the good times and bad, hold my arms up when I don't have the strength, speak into my life, correct and encourage me. Those people are priceless! That doesn't mean they have always said the nicest things to me. We all wish at times we could pull the words back from the air and swallow them. We also know it doesn't work that way. But, as I was reminded of so sharply with the death of our Lumberjack, life is too short to get hung up on that. In the end, it will be who they are that matters, not what our last conversation was. Because like a wise man once told me, they are just words.
My husband came home soon after and that afternoon we took a drive. We shared moments of silence and moments of laughter remembering this amazing man and friend I always called "The Lumberjack". This loss was going to leave a mark, a hole forever in our hearts. I tried to picture his last minutes on the earth, imagine the scene and see them in my head just how I had been told the events took place. I tried to imagine what he may of been thinking the moment that large portion of tree struck him in the head, with a blow so great, the life was knocked from him. I tried to imagine being his wife, sending him off to work just like any other day, not knowing he wasn't coming home. Did they say "I love you" before he left? Did they argue? Did they talk at lunch?
It was about that time I took my husbands hand and told him all I was battling in my mind. As people living day to day we never expect or plan for things like this. There are many times ( I hate to admit) my husband has drove away and my parting words were not "I love you! Have an amazing day!" The truth of that sad admission drove me to ask him, with tears running down my face, "What if that was you? And what if the last thing you heard from me were words from an argument? What would your last thoughts be? Would it be our fight? Would you know you were loved? How could I ever forgive myself if that happened?"
My husbands reply as he kissed my hand was " They are just words".
That was the most amazingly sweet thing I think my husband has ever said to me. It was his way of saying that no matter what, no matter what this world does to bring out the ugly in me and causes me to toss words at him that are more harsh than I had meant, no matter the storms or weather, good and bad, sunshine and rainbows, no matter what, that man knows I love him. And no amount of silly words would ever change what his heart knows to be true.
This shocking event had done something to me beyond just having to deal with the incredibly great loss of a friend. I was suddenly aware of my own mortality and that of those around me. I was battling fear of letting those I love out of my sight. I was wanting to call every one I ever loved and tell them, just that...that I loved them! I couldn't let anything be left unsaid or undone because I am never guaranteed that they coming home. I was panicked and scared and almost hysterical.
But in that car, on a sunny afternoon, while holding my husbands hand, I found peace. With four little words my husband had given me a gift that I will never forget. I was reminded of truth. I knew that Lumberjack knew how much he meant to us. I knew that my husband and my boys would know that it is their three lives that make my heart whole. I knew that the people that I love so dearly would know just how much they mean to me. Feathers get ruffled, and folks don't always agree, but in the end, it doesn't matter.
Just like when you can remember an argument, but cannot remember what it was about, I believe that happens in the end. The things that matter most come into view. We will recall the important things but the superficial moments of being human will fall away. People can say a whole lot of stuff, but it is always their actions that speak the loudest.
My prayer in all of this is that I would be better at actions, and that my words would be guarded well. I want to be one that doesn't just spew words because I am at my limit, then, walk away with those harsh words still floating in the air, both parties feeling wounded and stung by the argument. But, truth be known, I will be that person. I know I will get mad, I will say things, I will be sorry. But, with Gods help I will also be the person who's actions show I didn't mean one of those words.
I believe our hearts know who people truly are to us if we stop getting hung up on words. I have those who want nothing more than to cause me pain, and yet say they love me with pretty flowery words that really don't add up to two cents. I also have those who love me, protect me, carry me, see me through the good times and bad, hold my arms up when I don't have the strength, speak into my life, correct and encourage me. Those people are priceless! That doesn't mean they have always said the nicest things to me. We all wish at times we could pull the words back from the air and swallow them. We also know it doesn't work that way. But, as I was reminded of so sharply with the death of our Lumberjack, life is too short to get hung up on that. In the end, it will be who they are that matters, not what our last conversation was. Because like a wise man once told me, they are just words.
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